first day back to school
waking up again was ultra hard. but it was nice to be back with all my friends again, i missed them , so many of em were away. kinda sucked I had to umm tell them about how things didnt quite work out. in a way though... its good, cause it was stressing me out and I would of never been able to do well in school. it was weird though to be back in school and to umm go in some of the spots i brought him. it was memory flashbacks, especially when i went to the computer lab. DAMMIT!!! haha. I miss what we once had. Thats bad, isn't it? But I know its not possible to have it again, cause things are just way too weird. It's like... not civil at all. Like 8th grade breakup scene where people go all out on the meaniest things possible to say cause they dont know better. Its lame.

so i babysat yesterday. that was hot.. all we did was play Tony Hawk Proskater 4, and then we painted, and the the boy had lightsavers, so I got the blue one and he had the green one, and we had a Jedi fight lol. We turned the lights off , cause the lightsavers light up and have sound effects, it was SO COOL! hahah

*Is this what you call a getaway, tell me what you got away with, cause I've seen more spine in a jellyfish, and I've seen more guts in an eleven year old kid"

yeah its way early
So right now, last week, I'd still be awake and still yet to sleep. heh. but i have school today , so uhh hmm sucks!

anyways, point of this entry, I was on phone last night with Jesse from SB for a while. First time in bout well iuno 6months I've talked to him. Got into a few really incredible conversations that did make me realize a lot about my own emotions.

First thing I realized.. was it doesn't really matter if Teddy really did love me or anything, because.. at the time he did make me happy, he made me smile, and when I did say I loved him, I did mean it. Because what i was feeling at least was real, and it made me smile.

I figured out from Jesse, the way you may feel in the present about something, doesn't change the emotions or feelings you held at a particular time for someone. And I really did love Jesse, Mike, and Teddy.

Then I talked about some other things with Jesse that I really don't think anyone else would really understand. But yeah.. That was a pretty rockin convo last night.

Oh gotta love the fact Teddy is still reading my journals and feels a need to defend himself in it. You would think if he hated me as much as he acts like he does, he'd be in some sort of rush to get away. hah.

Funny Day..
Told Teddy I just wanted to be friends... at first he's all cool about it like how hes been trying to say that all along, and he had a feeling all along that I wouldn't wait.. which is weird cause he uhh didn't want me to wait, so why would it matter if i would or not..

and then we talk again later on, and he's like I don't think we should talk anymore.. blah blah blah. Weird how as soon as you tell someone you're not interested in them like that, they don't want to talk anymore. Anyways, he started this whole big drama about why we shouldn't talk. And then starts going into why he lost interest, turns out last few days he was home he was seeing some chick.. which iuno, maybe true maybe not.. it was christmas eve and christmas day, so i doubt it completely true, but I don't really care. Turns out his flight was delayed so he took a cab back home that saturday.. and thats why his phone kept ringing.

So I've figured out, I have this incredibly strong attraction to weird compulsive liars. lol. basically everything he ever told me was a lie, which in some cases.. like wanting to have my kids.. its a good thing he was lying, cause that was a little scary. It was cute, but scary. Iuno, he doesn't want friendship to go anywhere, but uhh I tried. I do care about the kid, not sure exactly why... cause he is probably one of the strangest kids I have dated, maybe its like post war trama syndrome or w/e its called. But yeah, he's very unsure of alot of things or fickle, doesn't seem to know what he wants ever and does seem to look for easy way out of things. Not a stable person, and he's admitted to it. I think my main problem is.. I want to make the world happy. I want to fix people's problems and make everything in everyone's life better, and I guess some things in peoples lifes you just can't change.

"Kiss me hard, cause this will be the last time that I'll let you"

Woah!!!
I well, got MAJORLY yelled at by my parents today about talking to my ex Mike still. WOW, and thing is.. we actually are JUST FRIENDS. lol. They wanted to know why I still call him. It was well.. not a pretty day at lunch today. lol... Iuno, big headache now, but they gave me a huge lecture about what guys they want me to date and which ones I'm basically not allowed too. And they said.. they don't want me dating guys who aren't in college. They frown upon those who are not educated. Which I kinda do understand, cause it's a different level then me.

"I wanna lick you from your head to your toes, i wanna from the bed down to the floor, I wanna ahh ahh you make it so good I don't want to leave, but I gotta know whats your fantasy"

Todayyyy
So I've been talking to Chris since he's been home. And today I finally got to hang out with him. I've been putting it off for a few days. It was weird.. because for a while, I really thought I had feelings still for Teddy.. like I did when I was with him. But I woke up this morning, and I thought about it... In all honesty, we may of had fun times when we were together, but I don't think we've ever had a real conversation. And lately, its been even too hard to even just talk to the kid, he just acts... real funny. So if I can't hold a convo with someone, then there is nothing. Maybe it was just physical.. in all honesty.. I really don't care all that much. Maybe we'll keep talking, cause I don't want to lose touch, but iuno, he can't even hold a convo.. so its too awkward for its own good.

So yeah, that was when I made my decision to hang out with Chris today. It was real nice. Snuggled on couch, madeout, and watched Indiana Jone .. the second one..with Shortwheel or w/e the kids name is. hehe it was awesome. Then he showed me pix of all his roommates and pix from parties at school. Dude, he looks sooo nice in his boarding shorts and his surfboard lol. Anyways, itwas nice to just hang out. He's going back to college tom. Which well sucks , but you know what.. today has made up for the past few weeks of headaches that I've had with Teddy. I'm tired of bullshit, time to stay single for a while and just enjoy life :)

one last comment
"Oh you look good, why dont you back that thing up"

CRazy Day...but FUN
so yea ok. best day

first i did LOTS of shopping..

hit freehold mall first... let's do a breeakdown of everything i got;.. ;)
Hot Topic: ~kiss me i'm a pirate shirt ~thrice tee shirt ~two cds ~3 sets of earrings.. total $50.35
579: ~nice tight brown short sleeve tee ;) total $12 something
Arden B: ~hot tight black shirt with flower by arm total: $49
Lunch@Taco Bell: 2 double deckers & water total: $5 something

then hit markterfair mall.. total spent $0
then DSW shoe warehouse.. total spent $0

then quaker bridge mall...
pac sun:Roxy Purse for my bday from Rach total $26
victoria secret: Pink Silk Robe total $22 (gotta love 40% discoutns ;) )
Aeropostle: Belt and Undies total $17
AE: Skirt total $19
Victoria Secret Perfum Store: 1 lotion, 3 perfums total spent $17

Great Day of Shopping...

um then yea.. dinner at Americana Diner.. saw ppl used to work with.

Pool Hall.. 5 games.. lost 3.. that sucked.. felt like every person was starring at my sister and me.. it was scarryy.. o we left.

Bowling Alley:
~rach goes up to the bartender.. and asks for a rootbeer float.. they didn't have it.. so asks for an orange soda.. didn't have that either.. asks for sprite.. no lid .. so she asks for that.. and no lid.. mad funny; especially cause she's going to be 21 in june.. hah
~then... putting on my shoes and some 35yr old hick comes up to me.. and is trying tell me he'd like to see more of me and wanted me to go back to his truck.. so i told him i was underage.. lol . and he left me alone ;)
~first game..broke 30; second game.. broke 50.. third game i got 78!!!
~got in 20 min fight with Rach on how much she owed me... lol the guy working there and thought we were on crack
~decided.. i wanted NERDs from candy machine... u know .. one where u put quarters in and turn it.. almost broke the machine.. had to have the guy help me.. and well i never got nerds.. i got the same thing 4 times.. so i walked up and down the lanes.. giving candy to people.. first group was uptight old people.. and gave it to the grotchiest person i saw lol.. then i gave two to two cute guys a lane over.. and then they were with some chick.. and i felt bad i didn't give her one.. so i gave her one too. lol.. it was funny. Everyone thought we were drunk.. kinda funny. cause we were sober.

Left bowling alley.. in car.. on phone with Chris.. and Rach was being annoying so i hit her.. and she punched me in the nose. lol . I got punched in the nose!!! hahah im going to laugh if it goes black and blue. lol. I was on phoen with Chris during all of that.. really funny.

ANyways rented movies at blockbuster "Tao of Steve" and "The Italian Job"..

BEST DAY EVER!! ALL THANKS TO MY ROCKIEEEE

First Entry
It's New Years Day. I thought I'd finally start writing in this journal. This would be around the 5 journal I currently have at the moment, but 2 of the others I never use.

Anyways, this year.. is going to be a huge year for me. I turned 18 on Dec 30th.. So now I'm officially an adult, quite weird. I'm really truly growing up. I have so much in store for me this year... going to florida three times before college. (jan: to visit FSU & USF; March:disney; June:orientation). I have senior prom. I'm graduating from high school. I'm going to be a group leader at the camp I work at.. I'm going to be a frosh in college. It's all so weird, and I just grew up.. and it feels like it happened all so fast.

This year.. I made promises to myself that I need to work harder in school, and try not to care so much about guys. I only get my heart broken. Yes, I still care about Teddy... and I prob. won't find someone nearly as awesome as him in a very long time, and I dont have any desire to date anyone or hookup with anyone any time soon.. I'm just going to give myself some ME time. Because my heart is growing cold and my nerves are going numb, and I don't want stupid things happening like what happened after Mike. I don't know what the future holds with my friendship with Teddy, honestly... I don't think I could ever just look at him just as a friend, but if it comes down to that.. I guess I would have too, but only time will tell what happens. If something is meant to be .. it'll just happen. I'm counting on anything though, because then I'll just get hurt, but my heart.. is still with him.